Tags
acceptance, clipboard, distant dream, distant memory, Family, fear, Forrest Gump, Hospital, life, Mark Sinclair, morphine, Orthopedic surgery, Pain, physical therapist, Scoliosis, scoliosis pain, scoliosis surgery
Waking up was like a distant dream. I was so drugged-up numb by the morphine, in shock by my reality, and in no way was I capable of much. I could tell you that if I could have, I would have walked right out of that hospital. I wanted to escape my reality. I felt like Jenny in that one scene in Forrest Gump when she prays to god to make her a bird so that she can fly far, far away. I too wanted to be a bird, and so badly did I want to fly far, far away. It obviously didn’t happen. I was trapped and forced to face the truth. I was going to need some help to do absolutely everything I was once capable of doing by myself. That truth was difficult to face. Needing help from others was not an easy reality to accept, especially when in my own mind I was so sure I could still do it.
Borrowed from Ranta Sara Rez
Doctor Mark Sinclair came in the next day with a teddy bear and carrying his doctor-type clipboard. He asked me once again to move my toes, and said that everything looked great. He then said, “You know you tried to stand up when we were stitching you up,” and somewhere in a distant memory, I remember the hands that pushed me down. Incredible isn’t it? I was about to walk out during surgery. Thankful I only remember the hands pushing me down and nothing else. Right before he walked out he also mentioned that my physical therapist would be there in a few hours to help me get out of bed.
It was not long after that I had a nurse and a physical therapist come into my room. They were both geared-up and ready to help me stand. At that point I was lying down face up, with a few pillows supporting my right side. My mom removed the pillows, as the nurse pushed me onto my side, and then the physical therapist slowly lifted me to the center, so that I was seated on the edge of the bed. Sounds like a smooth enough process, doesn’t it? It wasn’t. Every movement caused extremely sharp pain, and I just wanted to hold my breath and not feel it. The therapist had me sit there for a while, and that too was extremely painful. There was so much pressure on my spine and my hips that I felt unsure of whether or not my stitches would resist. After a few minutes of sitting there, the nurse came on my left side and the therapist on the right side, they grabbed me under the arm to support me while I stood up. I held on to the shoulder of the physical therapist while the nurse gave me my walker. When I stood up I was taller, I was stiff, and I was immobilized. I couldn’t move too much, but I was so happy to be standing, and yet in so much discomfort. I decided I wanted to walk all way to the end of the hall way, and when I was done I felt like I had ran a marathon. I was so tried and in so much pain, but some how it was all worth it. I was moving and I was now on my way to recovery.
My happiness of success faded quickly with the arrival of some unexpected visitors.My father was one of sixteen children. Most of my aunts and uncles are people I don’t know with the exception of a few great ones, most have evaded being part of my life, and part of my family’s life. So when the time came to visit me in the hospital, I truly wished they hadn’t. I didn’t want people that were not part of my life to see me in the condition that I was in. But of course, they came. The herd of them walked-in, and all I can think of was how do I get them to leave? I was angry that, after so many years, they showed up in my life then. I couldn’t do anything else, I just cried, and asked someone to take them away. I don’t know who it was who kicked them out; I was too drugged-up to remember. I think about now, and I am not sure I would do anything different. They were never part of my life, they never made me feel as though they considered me as one of their nieces, and because of that, they didn’t deserve to be part of my life.
The days at the hospital are all faded together, I am not too sure in what sequence it all happened but I do remember that the experience was enough to make me want to hide from my reality, from the pain, and from the fact that I needed help to do just about everything. I was disabled, I was weak, and I was humblized. To make matters much worse, my monthly visitor came during my time at the hospital. So I was no longer just in pain from my surgery, I was now physically discomforted by the fact that I had my period, and all I wished I could do was escape.
I love your writing style, your amazing approach to life and your bravery x
Thank you so much that is really nice to read
I am mildly dyslexic so it’s always happy to hear that someone enjoys my writing.
No-one would ever know
keep smiling
It is almost as if I am reading my son’s story of the last week or so. The way you write so eloquently and poignantly of your experience has helped me to better understand things – I cannot thank you enough!
Bravery and strength finally found words to explain them. wonderful writing.
Thank you♥
Hello! Wow. Your blog is brilliant, Such an interesting story. Also, I wanted to say thank you for checking out my blog, I don’t get many views so I appreciate it
Thankyou.
Your welcome, I love reading and discovering new blogs
I am really happy to hear you like mine, thank you for reading it ♥
I admire your courage and honesty. God bless you.
Thank you! I really appreciate the web site you have up for the children. I hope that your successful in finding care for them ♥
I’ve been reading your past few posts. You have quite a story and a gift for sharing it with others. My niece has scoliosis, and I’ve watched her face a number of challenges. I know this is no small thing you’re dealing with. Thank you for sharing your experience. It will help others.
Scoliosis is really not easy to deal with, and I know when I was a child I often felt like I was the only one going through it. I really hope my experience does manage to help others understand what it’s like ♥
I have been reading your posts and I really love them. Thank you for sharing so genuinely what your experiences were like. It’s so interesting and touching. Well done with your bravery!
Thank you for reading it, and for commenting
What kind of medicine are you studying?
In South Africa, we study medicine at an undergraduate level. It’s called MB.ChB. – Bachelor’s of Medicine and Bachelor’s of Surgery. When we graduate after six years, we are qualified as general physicians. I am currently in my fourth year of study (two more to go!). Only after that can we choose to specialise further… so we’ll see where I decide to go. At the moment orthopedic surgery, rheumatology or OB-GYN are strong possibilities.
Received your comments in my blog about your new job in Washington, D.C. Congratulations!!! Whoo hoo! It’s wonderful news, and so glad for you that your sweetheart is moving with you. I wish you lots of luck, and do keep us all posted about your new adventures.
Thank you, I will make sure to let everyone know what my new life in D.C. looks like
Dear curvy….. you write with a very real and immediate style that pulls the reader in effortlessly, and you have a way of making the reader feel your pain. I’ve lived with a lot of back pain myself, having been injured as a psychiatric technician; I still take a powerful pain reliever (Norco, a hydrocodone tablet; synthetic codeine) every four hours, just so I can function relatively normally. So, I can relate to your pain, and the wish for it to just go away, even if just for a moment. You will find that true freedom is the release from pain…… you have a good, positive outlook toward your problem, and seem willing to go through whatever is needed to make it better. It’s very inspirational…. and don’t feel bad about kicking out your relatives; you’re right that they didn’t deserve to be there, and should have been more sensitive. They only came to soothe their own guilt, and you have no reason to assist them in that. You may eventually take the moral high road, and forgive them, but it should be your choice, not theirs….you take care, and thanks for sharing…. pain shared is pain halved….
The spine is such an important part of the bod having any kind of back pain really is debilitating. Through the years I have learned to accept my pain, because I realize it’s just going to be with me. There are days when it is incredibly frustrating, and those are usually the days my back hurts more than usual, but for the most part I just try to push forward.
As for my relatives, they still haven’t really made any effort to be part of my life. I would say that I am happy the way it is, I have the people that mean the most to me in my life
Thank you for this quote…pain shared is pain halved…. I loved it!
No problem, feel free to use it…. I stole it myself….kidding, but it is someone else’s quote. I have seen it in different forms; this one is from an old Nora Roberts novel. She’s pretty good at turning a phrase….the other one, “true freedom is the release from pain” is so true it hurts….. and I’m pretty sure I haven’t seen it elsewhere….any who, take care, & good luck with getting the pain to a level you can live with; it’s the best we can hope for, and that’s something I’ve had to learn….there is always going to be SOME pain… take care….
Your courage and determination oozes out of this post. Thank you for been such an encouragement girl.
Thank you so much for reading it ♥
I know it may be hard to just let these people in or back into your life. I fully get that, I’ve been there before under very different circumstances. What I have come to understand recently is that if they want to be there let them. Obviously there is something that makes them want to be there. They obviously aren’t obligated, but yet something draws them nearer.
You never fully realize what you have until it’s gone, so who are we to decide whether or not they should have to get to that point to realize it? Help yourself and them get to a point where you can reconnect as friends and family which is something that so many of us have lost.
I do not want to seem preachy, that’s not my bag, but maybe a different way of looking at things can help. If you can always see the silver lining you have no choice to be happy with what you have. You’ve written some pretty amazing and powerful stuff here and I would personally and wholeheartedly like to thank you for sharing that with us. I do not know you, but I will get to know you and I will say this now and forever, I love you.
I really appreciate the advice, it’s always nice to receive. I think I am just going to let it be though. In this situation there is nothing really for me to do. I am at peace with the way the situation is. I don’t really think they want to be more involved and I am happy not having them involved. Perhaps when I was a kid it would have been nice to have them be interested, but I hold no resentment, it is what it is. As for not realizing what you have until its gone, well in this case it is very difficult to realize it, because I never had it. They just weren’t apart of my life, and haven’t been. I am glad you have found such inspiration in my writing, and it’s very nice of you to leave such a heartfelt comment ♥
You are very brave indeed. Surgery is risky but to go through what you have been through must have been mind numbing. Bless you sweet pea and hope all is well soon. Marilyn xxx
That is exactly what it was it was numbing. It got to a point where I almost didn’t feel anything any more because it’s just too much for anyone. Thank you so much for taking the time to read it. It’s really appreciated.
Pingback: I’m Bringing Sexy Back « thepreppypostgrad
…..fellow
the number of times, particular with repititious procedure, surgery, therapy that I wanted to walk away. I walked away this morning while talking to a doctor, in my mind. I was elsewhere, it was the same dance yet again. She couldn’t grasp that my mind is AWOL during seizure, (I wasn’t having one).
She asked me to pay attention and I told her I was not at school and telling my lifestory again was out of the question she (and the student beside her) should read the notes, keep me waiting? Its OK, get into the case etc. “Oh but we want to hear your side”, I told her my IQ rating !
new job sounds cool !
You have been “Tagged” and are now “IT”! Please visit the following link to find out more: http://abcofspiritalk.wordpress.com/
Hi! Thank you so much for the Tag! I will get on it. I just got to D.C., from Sweden, so life has been very crazy. I really appreciate the visit and thank you so much for taking the time to tag me.
It’s never too late; I’ve just gotten around to doing the same thing (replying to another tag). Though this one, thankfully, didn’t include any questions so I included (made mention of it) in the original tag..! Cheating yes; however; life doesn’t allow for us to do everything…!). Oh, life can be soooo busy…!
Moving can be a hectic time I know… 
Hopefully you’ve settled in…
First time to your blog and it’s really really good. I think you’re very brave and I hope you have many good days ahead.
Thank you for reading it. It’s a very personal story so I always appreciate it when people acutually take the time to do so
Pingback: 7X7 « The Curvy Spine