I guess I would say that I am tired of telling everyone the same story. I have metal running down my spine, I sometimes beep in metal detectors, and yes my life is slightly more complicated then the average. I do take medicine when I cannot fall asleep due to pain, I cannot sit all day, and if I had the possibility to stretch several times a day, I would. Living with scoliosis, is not easy. I am not always comfortable, I usually live with pain, if you find a way to get me a new spine, let me know I am totally down to sign-up. I smile and I ignore it because this is who I am, I like myself, and I am happy, but explaining it to the world is not always easy. This is the truth. Sometimes I just want to blend, sometimes I wish I weren’t the one with the story to tell, sometimes I wish I were just listening. My story is mine alone, no one else will ever be in my shoes, but this is what it’s like. Welcome to a little inside piece of me.
I miss my flexibility. I miss just being able to move-normally. As kid I was so flexible. I remember being able to do a back-bend without a problem. Nowadays, I am happy if I can just pull off the regular, everyday motions. Sometimes I feel so robotic in my mannerisms. Like a piece of steel, I am immobile and I can only move so much. There are certain times, when it becomes apparent to me that my motions are just not like everyone else’s.
Getting out of bed is a prime example. My way of get out of bed looks very much, like what I would picture an eighty-old getting out of bed, slow and calculated. Generally, I turn to the side and rise-up using my hands.
There are times when I rise, just facing forward and lifting my body forward, but what happens is that I become a sort of sea-saw, and I get stuck in the middle, not sure if I am going to make it all the way up or if I am going to fall right back down. Most days I don’t choose that option of rising.
Another time when it becomes very apparent is when I have to turn. My body just doesn’t turn very well. So in order to turn I have turn my entire body and not just the upper body…There goes my dream of having really toned obliques!
And of course there is bending. I am very fortune to have very flexible hips making it relatively easy for me to bend. The only problem is that it doesn’t always feel super great to bend. In fact it usually takes me a few seconds longer than the average person to make it bend down, and of course to make it back up.
In order to avoid bending so often, I have developed really agile toes making it easy for me to pick up anything with my toes. This doesn’t work if I am not at home, because how strange would it be if I randomly went around picking things up with my feet, but it works very well in the comfort of my own space.
- Pre-Meditative Exercises (moonladyyoga.wordpress.com)
This week I had a moment were I felt completely vulnerable. I felt like glass, were at any moment I can just shatter. The feeling of vulnerability has lingered. Perhaps, on a daily basis I do tend to ignore my vulnerability. I go about my life feeling like steel, strong and impenetrable, but the truth is that I can be so easily broken, I am not steel I am glass.
So you may be wondering what led to my feeling of vulnerability. Well, my cousin Sandra decided to tell me about a friend she once had. Her friend, whose name I cannot remember, had Scoliosis and she too had surgery done. Years after her surgery, she had a car accident, and died instantly from the screws perforating her heart. Had she not had the surgery done, nothing would have happened. Ironic isn’t it?
Now, I cannot live my life in fear of all the many things that can possibly happen to me, and I don’t usually think about it, but this story did leave me with a few goose bumps.