My Foreign Body

Tags

Back Pain, body, confusion, desperate need, Family, fear, Frida Kahlo, Health, life, Medicine, morphine, Orthopedic surgery, Pain, rheum, room, sand paper, Scoliosis, scoliosis pain, scoliosis surgery, shivers, spine, Surgery, water

As I slowly regained consciousness, the smell of medicine, of sickness, of a hospital transpired throughout my senses. I could barely open my eyes they were stuck together by the rheum gathered in each corner. I began to blink, to regain the lost moisture in each eye. My mouth was also dry, it felt like sand paper, and tasted of sore medicine, there was no moisture, I was parched and in desperate need of water. I wanted to stand, I needed to get out of where I was, I needed to find water. But I couldn’t move, I was trapped to the bed, stuck in my place by the heaviness of my body, by the foreignness of my new form.  Should I cry? I couldn’t, I lacked the energy to do so. I couldn’t think, what had happened? Why couldn’t I move?

My confusion was interrupted by the sound of the nurse and the doctor approaching.  The doctor looked at me and asked, “Can you move your feet?” I didn’t respond I just wiggled my toes for him. “ It looks great,” he gave me a smile, and I am not sure weather he stayed or left, but soon after the nurse said, “ We are waiting for your room, it’s currently being cleaned. Can I get you anything in the mean time?” I asked for some water, and my mama. She came back with ice chips, and said that I could see my family as soon as the room was ready. I grabbed the cup of ice from her, as if I hadn’t had water in days. The extremity of my thirst led to me downing the cup of ice, enjoying each chip as it moisturized my body, and allowed me to feel alive again. It was really all to no avail, because soon after it all came right back up. Vomiting water right after surgery felt like death. The pain left my entire body in shivers, I had never experienced anything like it, and I didn’t want to go through it again. Clenching my thirst was not worth the effort I had to make to vomit, and definitely not worth the pain it left me in.  To relieve the discomfort I was in, I was given morphine, and it truly did make every so much better.

I woke up in my room, to my entire family staring at me. They looked worried, concerned, as if they really had no idea what to expect. In fact, I didn’t either. I had two IV’s in one hand, and one in my neck. I had catheter, and a morphine button, an endless supply of “happy medicine,” given to me in small doses every 15 minutes. I must say that I was in shock. Somehow I never really considered the fact that the new addition to my spine would make me feel so much heavier and so stiff. I felt as though I had bricks on top of me and a piece of wood strapped to my back. My entire body was foreign, I did not know how to move in my new shape, any slight adjustments would cause trickling pain throughout my back.

Borrowed by: World Art Resources

It was then that I realized that I had given up my ability to move, to be flexible, for a smaller curve and for life. The exchange was something I hadn’t considered until that point.

 

Flexibility: Don’t Take It For Granted

Tags

average person, back, Back Pain, bending, flexibility, getting out of bed, Health, hips, innovation, inspiration, life, mannerisms, motions, Pain, prime example, Scoliosis, spine, story

I miss my flexibility. I miss just being able to move-normally. As kid I was so flexible. I remember being able to do a back-bend without a problem. Nowadays, I am happy if I can just pull off the regular, everyday motions. Sometimes I feel so robotic in my mannerisms. Like a piece of steel, I am immobile and I can only move so much. There are certain times, when it becomes apparent to me that my motions are just not like everyone else’s.

Getting out of bed is a prime example. My way of get out of bed looks very much, like what I would picture an eighty-old getting out of bed, slow and calculated. Generally, I turn to the side and rise-up using my hands.

My way of gettting out of bed. Borrowed by: Pharmainfo

There are times when I rise, just facing forward and lifting my body forward, but what happens is that I become a sort of sea-saw, and I get stuck in the middle, not sure if I am going to make it all the way up or if I am going to fall right back down. Most days I don’t choose that option of rising.

I wish I could do this. Borrowed by: Innovation Games

Another time when it becomes very apparent is when I have to turn. My body just doesn’t turn very well. So in order to turn I have turn my entire body and not just the upper body…There goes my dream of having really toned obliques!

I can't do this. Borrowed by: 123rf

And of course there is bending. I am very fortune to have very flexible hips making it relatively easy for me to bend. The only problem is that it doesn’t always feel super great to bend. In fact it usually takes me a few seconds longer than the average person to make it bend down, and of course to make it back up.

My bend is really really straight.

In order to avoid bending so often, I have developed really agile toes making it easy for me to pick up anything with my toes. This doesn’t work if I am not at home, because how strange would it be if I randomly went around picking things up with my feet, but it works very well in the comfort of my own space.

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The Abundant Silence

Tags

Back Pain, chuck e cheese, Family, gonna be alright, january morning, life, sadness, Scoliosis, sky diving, spine, Surgery, Teddy bear, thirteen years

It was 5:00am that January morning, when my sister, my mama and I drove to the hospital. I was thirteen years old, wearing my PJ, and carrying my favorite teddy bear in the world. It wasn’t really a teddy bear it was more like a stuffed dog from Chuck E. Cheese’s that my brother had won for me when I was 4 years. It was my favorite, and the one I slept with for many years. It came with me that morning to comfort me through my surgery, and throughout the recovery.

The ride to the hospital had an eerie feeling, as if no one really knew what to say. My mother’s sadness and her fear was felt throughout the entire car, as my sister drove careful to the hospital. I didn’t say much. I just starred aimlessly at the clock, and observed how time just stood still. As if the minutes never passed, the seconds didn’t exist, and I was no longer myself. I faced the reality outside of my existence, protecting myself from the fear, the anxiety and acceptance. Silence was all that was heard that 20-minute drive to the hospital.

Some times words don’t come out even if you really want them to, because sometimes, there is nothing really you can say. The silence carries with it words of emotions that transcends through space, like electricity carrying voltage. The silence that morning was filled with more emotions than I could handle. The silence lasted right up until we made to entrance, when finally it was broken by the sound of Sweetbox, “Everything is gonna be alright,” and soon after my sister said, “this one is for you.”

It was true, everything was going to be all right, and I couldn’t think about it too much. Because heading into surgery, is a lot like sky diving, you can’t think about it too much, because before you know it your no longer in the plane, and your no longer in control, your life is in the hands of the Doctor.

We walked to the hospital, and soon after I was called back. My mama and sister went back with me. I was given a hospital gown, and once I put it on the nurse came into the room. She gave an IV and soon after she gave me a shot, a “Happy Times Shot.” I was feeling great, and I was ready to head into the surgery room. I gave my mama and my sister a hug and I was taken away. Right before surgery, the nurse asked my, “whose your favorite Disney character?” and well, I am not sure if I had the chance to respond. The next thing I remember was trying to sit up and several hands pushing me down, and then, I was out again.

Living Lopsided

Tags

Back Pain, Health, Scoliosis, scoliosis pain relief

Do you have any reason to feel lopsided?

I know I do, and in fact I think it’s common knowledge that we all have one foot bigger than the other.  I too have one slightly bigger than the other, but this post isn’t about feet, it’s about legs, and I happen to have one slightly longer than the other. To the naked eye its invisible, it could go completely unnoticed. In fact, I myself hadn’t even thought about it, until a year ago Mia: Queen Been of Everything Homeopathic told me that I should buy one shoe insert for my left-heal.  Not thinking twice about it, I went to the pharmacy to purchase a shoe insert. In the beginning, it was extremely uncomfortable, but now I realize the difference it’s made.  All of a sudden I was slightly more balanced, and it was such a simple solution.

 

The Long Road Ahead

Tags

Back Pain, Back Problems, Health, Orthopedic surgery, personal story, Scoliosis

The day of the appointment had arrived, and it’s amazing the things I remember, and things my mind has chosen to forget.  I can honestly tell you that I don’t remember much. I don’t remember the waiting room or even getting x-rays done. In fact, I am not sure I did. I only remember the moment the Doctor came into the room.

He was an older man, a retired orthopedic surgeon, who wore glasses and blue and white plaid shirt. He walked in, and immediately made his way to his rolling stool. He placed both hands on his knees, and looked at me as he bent forward. His stare was an empty stare, the kind of stare you give an enemy, numb and with no compassion, he did not exude any kind of friendly vibes, and in fact I am not sure he’d seen a patient under the age of 60, in years.  He began by saying, “ it doesn’t look good. You have two major curves, both equally bad, 72 degrees in the lumbar, and 54 in the thoracic.”

Borrowed from Hot 100 Tips

He paused, and I stared and waited for him to continue. I think he saw my look of confusion. What he had just said might as well have been a foreign language, all I knew was that whatever he had just said, it wasn’t good news. He began again, “ You need surgery. If you do not get surgery, by the time your 30 your spine will have crushed your lungs and your heart and you will probably be dead.” He said it straight and to the point. There was no filter, he was accustomed to working with the elderly, people who had heard it all, but at that point I was just a child, no one had ever said anything like that to me. I just sat there, and held in my tears, pretending to be strong, it was all that I knew, if I couldn’t pretend to be strong, I would never muster the courage to actually pull it off. I replied by asking, “Can you do this surgery?”  He quickly replied, “No. I don’t do surgery anymore, and I don’t work with children. You have to see a pediatric orthopedic. Suzy at the front counter will give you the name of a Doctor I highly recommend, there might be a long wait to see him, but he’s worth the wait.” He paused and continued, “Do you have any other questions?” I shook my head and he stood up, shook both of our hands and walked out. My mama began to question me, “what did he say, tell me what he said.” I couldn’t speak I had no words. Had I said anything, I would have broken down into a million tiny pieces, so instead I was just quiet. I needed to process what he had just said, and what that meant for me. We walked out of the room and headed towards the counter.

At the reception desk, I spoke to Suzy and she wrote the phone number and the name of the pediatric orthopedic Doctor at Nemours clinic, Dr. Price. I took the piece of paper and squeezed it tight. I thanked Suzy and walked out, with my mama slowly behind me. She continued to pester me, asking me what he had said. But I was in a zone, her words were washed out, I could only see her lips moving but there was no sound. I was in shock and once I sat down in the passenger seat of my mama’s corolla, I felt the fear over come me. Fear that pumped through my veins leaving every inch of my body in a tremble.  It was a fear that consumed me, that left me petrified. A vacuum that sucked any ounce of confidence I had left. And that was it, I broke down and I just cried the entire way home. I couldn’t speak, I just cried. My mama stopped asking and just drove. We made it home, and as soon as I walked in the door my brother was there to receive me. I just hugged him and cried. Still gripping on to the little piece of paper that Suzy had given me.

Once I finally settled down, I told everyone I had to have surgery.  From the point on, I never cried about having surgery again. Those tears were a way of mentally preparing myself for what was to come. Tears of fear and of sadness, for myself. Tears that once I wiped off, left traces of strength with every drop. I could only be strong, and fearless. There was no room for fear and sadness in the journey that lay ahead. I was ready, and prepared, I would have had surgery the next day had I had that option. But this was only the beginning; there was still a long road ahead.

Determination: My Greatest Virtue

Tags

Back Pain, Back Problems, Chiropractor, Health, Orthopedic, Scoliosis, Surgery, Treatment

After hearing Dr. Gray and his daughter Tracy deny me other options, I felt empty. I really believed they wanted the best for me, and this was proof that they never truly did. They only wanted the best for themselves, at least monetarily, and having me as a reliable source of income, most of been nice, but all to my personal expense. Luckily, I have always been a very determined person, and hearing a “no,” from both of them was the fire that I needed to ignite my drive and motivation to find another option. I left Dr. Gray’s office feeling relentless, I was then unstoppable. If they did not want to help me, I did not need their help. I would find the name of the kind of Doctor I needed to see, myself.

Borrowed from: Ledigajobb

Driving home felt like an eternity. My mama could not drive any faster. I was feeling anxious, I needed to find the option that day, I could not waste any more time. We finally made it home and I jumped out of the car and rushed to the yellow pages in search of the only option I knew, Chiropractic Doctors. I did that, hoping that another Chiropractic Doctor would help me, by providing me with the name of the kind of medical doctor I needed to see. I picked up the phone and dialed the number to a random Chiropractic Doctor. A young female nurse picked up the phone, and I just asked her and right away I got my answer. I needed to see an Orthopedic. I sighed in relief.

Not wasting any time, I picked the first Orthopedic on the list and made an appointment. My appointment was scheduled two weeks later and I was thrilled. I was going to have other options, a different perspective. It was exactly what I needed, and wanted.

 

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Death By Fall

Tags

Back Pain, Falling off the bed, Hip pain, Hosptial visit, Orthopedic, Pain, Scoliosis

Yes, it is true. I fell, yet again.

This fall is one that could have easily been prevented. It was Saturday morning, and there I was, dreaming I was sailing the seas, while speaking fluent Swedish. Amazing isn’t it? I don’t speak a word on a regular basis, but in my dreams it might as well be my mother tongue, and I might as well be a Viking…

But my peaceful slumber ended all too quickly, because all of a sudden I heard the stretching noise of my alarm. I was awake, and eager to turn off the vile sound, so I immediately rolled over and reached for the snooze.

My eagerness to stop the horrid sound my alarm was making, caused me to roll just a little too far, and I landed on the floor. So, there I was, 7:30 am on a Saturday morning, and I was on the floor.

Borrowed From: ACC Reports of Bed Fall Injuries

Not thinking too much about the fall, I just rolled back on to the bed and tried to take full advantage of my extra 10 minutes. Taking a few long deep breaths, I slowly began to fall right back into my dream.

When all of a sudden, without any prior warning my hip began generating piercing pain that was nothing less, than debilitating. Every deep inhale caused even more pain. My only escape was immobility and not breathing. This went on for about a minute or so, and then there was relief, and I was back to a normal amount of pain.

This excruciating attack of pain came three times during the weekend, and so today in morning I decided to pay a visit to Mia: Queen Bee of Everything Homeopathic. Unfortunately for me, Mia thought I should go directly to the hospital. So I did.

Not thinking twice about the entire event, I dragged my wonderful Swedish boyfriend to the hospital with me. Leaving behind his mountain of work he had to do, he joined me. Swedish hospitals work nothing like American hospitals. And it is these times (the times where I have to visit the emergency room) that I miss the comfort of the familiar. The end result was not really death by fall, but four hours, fifteen x-rays, and three different waiting rooms later, I was told there was nothing seriously wrong with me other than a spinal contusion.

 

 

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My Daily Foe

Tags

Back Pain, Chair, Classroom, Cushion, deformity, Health, Scoliosis, scoliosis pain relief, Seating

Chairs have always been my number one enemy. They’ve been designed so strategically to fit the perfect natural curves of the human spine. They mold the shape of the smooth, perfect spinal curves. All those natural curves except those with some sort of spinal deformity. This is the main reason why, even to this day, I hate chairs.

I remember my classroom chairs. They were maroon, plastic chairs that had two flat screws on the back, which attached the metal legs of the chairs. These chairs could not have been worse. Perhaps it was the screws that dug into my right side leaving my deformity aching, or it may have been the lean and the curve that the chair had, which was not compatible with my curve and my slanted lean.                                -Picture borrowed from Classroom Essentials

As a child I had a very large protruding rib hump. This ultimately meant that sitting in any chair always caused one side of my body to be touching the chair and the other side to be floating aimlessly. This was extremely uncomfortable, because the right side of my body that was touching the chair had to over compensate for the left side that wasn’t. Like all children, I had to sit there for so many hours without standing up, but most days, by the end of the day, I would place my left hand underneath the left side of my body. This would slightly balance my body, so that all the pressure of sitting in a chair would not lie on my deformity.

Thinking back, I feel so silly for not embracing my problem. I remember mentioning the awful pain and discomfort caused by chairs to Dr. Gray. Naturally, he recommended that I bring a cushion to school. I of course, thought that was an inconceivable option. I had to blend in, camouflage, and pretend I was just like everyone else. I had already been questioned for wearing my brace to school, which led to me refusing to wear my brace, and there was no way I was going to bring a cushion to school. What everyone else thought about me was just much more important, at the time, then the pain it caused me. I preferred to endure the pain and discomfort, rather than to just give in and bring a cushion.

 

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Dancing The Night Away

Tags

Back Pain, Byron Katie, Dance, Latin, Pain, Salsa, Scoliosis

I went out dancing on Friday night, and regrettably two days after I’m still stiff and in pain. This may have been due to the fact that I fell of my bike, or it could have been the two hours of dancing that I did. Unfortunately, every time I do go out dancing the next day is not such a pleasant day. This is a harsh reality for me to face, because dancing is apart of my life, a part of my culture and upbringing. I remember as a very small child my family would have large parties, and everyone ex cept my mama would be very intoxicated, and by the end of the night everyone would be dancing and singing. As a teenager I wanted to improve my salsa skills and I joined a salsa class, I only did it for a short period of time, because soon after I had to go through my first surgery, and it took years to regain the flexibility that was lost.

Image via Wikipedia

Even with the pain and stiffness that comes accompanied to a night out, I still love to dance. This just happens to be my present reality, and the uncomfortable consequences that come with it.

“The world is nothing but my perception of it. I see only through myself. I hear only through the filter of my story.” Byron Katie, found on Dance With The Truth.

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